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Its Hell to be Old- a collection of jokes about getting old

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Its Hell to be Old- a collection of jokes about getting old

Postby marcib » Fri Jan 21, 2011 12:00 am

How's Your Golf?

Arthur is 90-years-old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day, he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't even see where it goes."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
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Re: Its Hell to be Old

Postby marcib » Fri Jan 21, 2011 12:02 am

An Irish woman "of a certain age" visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee." "He won't even taste it." "Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"

"Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
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Re: Its Hell to be Old

Postby marcib » Fri Jan 21, 2011 12:03 am

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin wasticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies,
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned,"

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before answering.
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Re: Its Hell to be Old

Postby marcib » Fri Jan 21, 2011 12:04 am

Subject: Important - especially if you text
TEXTING FOR SENIORS
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC
(Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you:.
Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CGIP: Can't get IT up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped in my pants
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
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Re: Its Hell to be Old

Postby marcib » Fri Jan 21, 2011 12:08 am

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

-----------------------

Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 80. When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset. Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive.

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? says the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

-----------------------

It seems that Pat, who was 88 had been feelin' poorly for the past few months. One day his son Seamus convinced him to go see the doctor. After a complete exam, the doctor brought Pat and Seamus into his office. "I've got bad news for Pat, your heart's near given out and you've only two months to live."

Pat was stunned but after a few minutes he turns to his son and says,"I've had a good long life and if the Lord wants me then I've no complaints." "Let's be off to the Pub where I'm after havin' a pint with me friends."

Arriving at the pub a few of his cronies spy Pat "Ah Patty how are you feelin' today", says one. "Not good Mike, I've been to the doctors and he says I've two months to live." "What a shame," says Mike, "and what's ailin ya"? "The doctor says I have Aids."

After a few moments Seamus gets his father alone and says, "Da, it's not Aids that ya have, it's a heart condition."

"Sure don't I know that, I just don't want them old buggers trying to sleep with your Ma when I'm gone."
----------------

A doctor told Mrs. Murphy to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina.

A month later, when Mrs. Murphy came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"

Mrs. Murphy answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."

----------
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Re: Its Hell to be Old

Postby marcib » Fri Jan 21, 2011 12:09 am

This is the funniest because it rings too true.

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...


2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"


4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"


5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.


6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read.."


7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"


8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."


9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."


10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.."


11 Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."


12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


15. My Grandparents are funny; when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
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Re: Its Hell to be Old- a collection of jokes about getting

Postby Robin Marks » Fri Jan 21, 2011 1:24 pm

SOOOOOOOOO Funny thanks Marci
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Re: Its Hell to be Old- a collection of jokes about getting

Postby FRBRIQ » Fri Jan 21, 2011 3:22 pm

Marci,
I laugh to tears. Thank you
Your second story, about the a birthday reminds me of what my grand daughter asked while we were visiting my penfriend in Dover, in England. She was 5 years old and did not speaks English.
After a few minutes with Janet, Kim took me by the hand wispering : "Tell me Mamy, did Janet learned English at school ? she speaks very well............"
Francoise, Melun, France
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Re: Its Hell to be Old- a collection of jokes about getting

Postby Rosalie » Sun Feb 24, 2013 4:01 pm

:ppio: Reading all these funnies, most that I have not read before and they made me laugh so much that I remembered laughing for days when my 5year old (very bright) grandson was at his other grandmas birthday tea and he asked her how old she was, she was a little taken aback but answered "Oh I am 29 again. Matthew thought about this for a couple of minutes and then said " Grandma how can you be 29 when Daddy is 32. Out of the mouths of babes. I still laugh when I remember this.
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