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Some jokes about being an artist

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Some jokes about being an artist

Postby marcib » Mon Dec 13, 2010 4:47 pm

Some jokes about being an artist:


I ve always gotten a kick out of this quote from John Bergman ;
“There are three kinds of students when teaching
Those who see and don't need to be there.
Those who see when they are shown.
Those who will never see and are there for the cookies."

----------------------------------------------
You might be an artist if:
You were more concerned about the color of your car than the fuel consumption.

The highlights in your hair are from your palette and not Clairol.

You are having lunch with the girls and the fragrance you wear is eau d'balsam of copaiba ( or eau d'turp )

The only piece of new furniture you have in your home is a $2000 easel.

You butter your toast with your fingers, just to feel its texture.

You are over 50 and still have no health insurance.

Your family takes out a life insurance plan on you for less than $5000.

You know what shade of green the lichen on the trees is.

You can't find a nice outfit for your date because everything has paint smears on. Your date ends up with paint smears on her/him.

You're late for the date because you suddenly knew exactly what that detail of your latest painting needed and just had to fix it while it was fresh in your mind.

You chose to buy that new Russian Sable Number Six Round instead of a Big Mac, a Large Fry, a Milkshake, Desert, and five gallons of gas.


When viewing a sunset, you think in terms of cadmium yellow (light hue), salmon and gold, a tinted teal mixed with gold for the water...."

There are Prussian blue fingerprints on your phone.

You stay awake late at night wondering how to render on canvas the dimly lit shapes and the shadows in your room

. When you go out, you are always stopping and gazing at the world around you.

You travel far to sketch a place of scenic beauty.

You clean your brushes in your coffee.

You explain your deplorably bad housekeeping by saying, "it's a work-in-progress..."

You do judge a book by its cover.

You watch the latest kids' digital animation movies and drool over the effects as much as the story.

You bought paint instead of food!

You know that art does not match your sofa.

If dust bunnies are part of your mixed media.

You buy expensive brushes, and have nothing to do your hair with.

When going on a quick errand in your painting cloths you're finding people rave over the 'fashion statement' you didn't even realize you were making.

You know the difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

You get excited about football season because it means your significant other will finally be sitting still on the sofa long enough for you to paint him.

At the gym you take note of the intense facial expressions of the heavy lifters.

You never look at a person's face as a whole. You break it up into shadows and lines and shapes, and think how they would look on a canvas.

You open that forgotten container from in the back of your 'fridge and say"wow! veridian!"

you know you are a painter if your family checks first before throwing away any empty drink or food container that could be used for water/paint/brush holders....
Marci >^..^< (x 8 )
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Re: Some jokes about being an artist

Postby marcib » Mon Dec 13, 2010 4:49 pm

A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."

When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.

Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"

-----------------------------

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
----------------------------
FEELINGS


Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.

One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.

The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?" she asked!
-----------------



Abstract Art

I think my Grandson best summed up my feelings about abstract art.

We were looking at a painting with a wild mish-mash of colours and he asked, "What's that?"

I said, "It's supposed to be a cowboy on his horse."

"Well," he continued, "Why isn't it?"
----------------------



Evaluating this painting


A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
------------------


Fred

Fred imagined himself a brilliant artist. But his teacher said he was so bad it was a wonder he could draw breath.
------------------------------


Two Little Boys

Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake?


"Quick," said one, "Run ! Before they say we did it !"
---------------------------------


Mona Lisa

The Mona Lisa was brought up in court on charges of murder,

but it turned out that she'd been framed.
---------------------------------
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Re: Some jokes about being an artist

Postby marcib » Mon Dec 13, 2010 4:57 pm

The assignment for the week in Jim's art class was to draw a portrait . The work was graded and , after class, Jim approached the teacher to ask why he had only received a C grade for the piece.
The teacher said:" Well, the proportions are totally off. The head is too small, the eyes are too close together and the feet are much too big" ...
The next day, Jim brought his brother, Ed , who had posed for the portrait , to class.
The teacher changed the grade to an A.
________________________________________


Paint Store

On a diet?

Go to the paint store.

You can get thinner there.

------------------------------------
Van Gogh in a Bar

Vincent van Gogh walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him if he'd like a drink.
"No thanks," says Vincent, "I've got one 'ere."

------------------------------------------------------------
Artists Impression

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

--------------------------------------------------
Change A Light Bulb

Q: How many visitors to an Art Gallery does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"

Q:How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

Q:How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.

Q:How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q:How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window.

Q:How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fish.
______________________________________________________

The Louvre

Miss Paddington is in Paris and is visiting "Louvre",
the famous French museum.

She looks at the paintings and suddenly she says,
"Is this a dreadful painting or what! I can't believe
that a respectable place like this could have such a
horrible piece of art in its collection."
"Pardon, Madame!" one of the staff says, "But it's
not a painting, it's a mirror."

-------------------------------------------------

Why are a lot of famous artists Dutch?


Because they were born in Holland.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you get if you cross a painter with a boxer?
- Mohammed Dali

----------------------------------------------------------

a "successful" art career is 90% how much money your parents make, and 10% who you sleep with.
-----------------------------------------------------------
There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working with the same model for a long period of time

His model showed up at the usual time and, after exchanging the usual small talk, began to disrobe for the day's work.

The artist told her not to bother, since he had a bad cold. He added that he would pay her for the day anyway, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea with lemon and honey.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed, and told her to fix herself a cup as well. They were sitting in the living room chatting and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, and then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my!" he whispered loudly,
"It's my wife! Quick! Take your clothes off!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

After his wife divorced him, Joe asked his best friend, Bill, to fix him up with a blind date. Bill obliged. The next day Joe called up Bill and shouted at him angrily: "Bill, what kind of a guy do you think I am. That girl you fixed me up with was cross-eyed; she was almost bald; her nose was long, thin and crooked; she had hair growing on her face; she was flat chested; and her ankles were as thick as her thighs".
Bill answered: "Either you like Picasso, or you don't like Picasso."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Re: Some jokes about being an artist

Postby Chrisryder » Thu Jan 13, 2011 1:04 pm

Re: You might be an artist if- More of these apply to me than I care to admit, I think someone has been a fly on the wall!!Chris Ryder, Bala, North Wales ;roflmao: ;roflmao:
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