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?????????????"The Naughty Corner"

Post your favorite jokes and funnies here....
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Risque and cheeky are fine... but please keep it clean .

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?????????????"The Naughty Corner"

Postby Christine Bennetts » Sun Dec 05, 2010 9:10 am

The Moral of the Story sent in by Irene Horsley! :)
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!


From Irene Lady Chardonnay!
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Sent in by Irene - Lady Chardonnay!


Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.





























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The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

;thanks;


This was sent in by Jo Thackery!! :)
The Difference Between Grandmothers and Grandfathers

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers?
Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to
spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning
he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car
for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't
feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked
forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife
came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter
for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single
asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

zz zz zz zz zz zz zz zz zz zz zz


From Alice Wofford! ;thumps;

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police
arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he"s 6 feet 2 and
blond wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The
police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the
lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 feet 4
inches tall, has no hair, and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such
a false report. She replies. "Just because I reported him missing,
doesn't mean I wanted him back!."


From Toni Acock!!!
;roflmao: :) ;roflmao: :) ;roflmao: :)
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came
to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on
the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that
his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and
knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I
was afraid for I was naked.'


Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. from Trish
An elderlycouple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally . . . .”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -
Fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back .”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic..

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . . . .”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”


From REVENUE CANADA TAXATION from Trish the Deranged!
At the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the Revenue Canada agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,

"I notice you buy a lot of bandages.. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Revenue Canada Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."


The Haircut from Trish the Deranged!!
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I c an get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half ...

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.


The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob replied - 'Your house!'

The Cough from Adrian

A chemist walked into his shop after going out for a break, he finds a man leaning against one wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant.

She replied "He has a bad cough. He came in for some cough syrup but I couldn't find it - so I gave him a bottle of laxatives."

"You Bloody Idiot!" roars the chemist "You cannot treat a cough with laxatives, what the heck were you thinking of?"

"Of course you can" responded the assistant "Look at him, he daren't f*****g cough now!"

Why Men are not Agony Aunts!

Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week, and after less than a mile the car stalled, it wouldn't restart. I walked back home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They were startled for a moment and then announced that their affair had been going on for a year and they were in love. Can you help me please... I am desparate!
Sally

Dear Reader,
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. If this is not the cause it's usually the Alternator.
Hope my advice helps you.
Jim




Moving to Nevada

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers;

"I'm moving to Nevada .. I heard prostitutes there get paid $ 400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies...

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."


From Adrian!

An engineer walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the only qualified person as her chemist husband had died so she and her widowed sister now owned the shop. There were no males employed there but she then asked whether she could help the gentleman.

The engineer said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male chemist. She assured him that she was a complete professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would
treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The engineer agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The chemist said, "Just a minute, I 'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We've discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the shop, a company car, and £1,500 a month plus living expenses.”



This is from Trish Reader - "The Deranged!"

A new supermarket opened in Manchester.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear
the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle,
and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

But I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.


These are from Adrian!

Little Johnny was walking home from school with his mum, telling her about his day...
"Mummy at playtime I saw Daddy's car go into the woods and Aunty Jane was with him"
"Oh" said mum "carry on."
"Then me and Jack sneaked out of the school field and followed them and saw them kissing and..."
"Stop!" said mum "why don't you save your story and tell it to us all tonight, so Daddy can hear it too."
So at the dinner table that night little Johnny told the story..."I saw Daddy's car go into the woods near school and me and Jack went into the woods. We saw Daddy kissing Aunty Jane - then they took all their clothes off and did that thing that Mummy & Uncle Bob do when Daddy's at work".

The moral of the the story is: Women should shut-up, listen and let people finish before interupting!



A bloke was telling his drinking pal that apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So now, every morning I give the wife's bum a gengle slap, then say "two sugars and lots of milk, fat arse!"


A boy shouts to his mother:
"Mum, can you help me?"
His mum shouts back: "I am in the bedroom, don't stand down there shouting at me, get up here and speak to me properly!"
So, reluctantly the boy walks upstairs.
"That's better" she says "Now what is the matter?"
Her son says: "I've trodden in some dog poo".



From Lady Chardonnay!
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.

He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"



"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.



Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.



When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"



"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"



Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"



"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class If I did!"



Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got into his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh... Mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"



"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.



The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.



The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, 'What the Hell have I done?'



He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School Class?"



The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."





Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .
Paddy looks in a shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair."

Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fookin' fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."

"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well... Yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners”

Some Quick funnies from Irene Faulder!
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.


These are from Toni Acock!

The Italian Boy's Confession!

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you..'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
These are from Itsy Bitsy Lady Chardonnay!

Headaches!
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat


"I do not Have a Headache;


I do not have a headache,


I do not have a headache.."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."


The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball


Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his


Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.


He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"


The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes


Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With


That, He goes back in the bathroom.


This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,


She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,


"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

Getting a hairdryer through customs....
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland
asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair
dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and
well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:
I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
'Go ahead, Father. Next!'


This is from Trish the Deranged!

5 NUNS IN A BAR
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.


Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw
Nun.jpg




--------------------------



Another one from Josie!

The Young Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in California.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, " I ' ve heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor! "

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, ...........and the blonde yells, " You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee! " ;roflmao:


This was sent in by Josie!

The Blind Cowboy!
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'



The Chemical Factory
Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory. The manager asks him: "Have you worked with chemicals before?"
"Yes" replies Paddy.
The manager smiles, encouragingly and then asks: "So can you tell me what Nitrate is?"
Paddy says: "Er, I'm hoping it's going to be time and a half."

Sent in by Jackie Halhead
Blonde goes to Heaven!

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...?

Sent in by Toni Acock!

The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:
PRICELESS


Sent in by Irene Faulder (Lady Chardonnay!)

The Car Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both

of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "So, you're a man.

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's

nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from

God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for

the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from

God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car

is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely

God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then

she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and

then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle,

immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

! Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!

Cleaning Poem
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my butt,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my good work.

I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops - I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.

So nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's as shiny as the sun.
I guess my house will stay a mess.....
While I sit here on my bum.






Christmas Eve

'Twas the night before Christmas & out on the ranch
The pond was froze over & so was the branch.
The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.
The kids were all home on vacation from school,
And happier young folks you never did see-
Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.

Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock,
There came a surprise that gave them a shock!
The power went off, the TV went dead!
When Grandpa came in from out in the shed
With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.

"Just what I expected," they heard him remark.
"Them power line wires must be down from the snow.
Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago."
"I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom. "With their light,
And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right."

The teenagers all seemed enveloped in gloom.
Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,
Uncased his old fiddle & started to play
That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.
Mom started to sing, & 1st thing they knew
Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too.

They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night,"
Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.
They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,
And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.

They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe,
The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.
Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn;
And when the kids wakened, the power was on..

"The power company sure got the line repaired quick,"
Said Grandpa - & no one suspected his trick.
Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,
He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!

-Anonymous


Hearing
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'




The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room at a golf clubhouse. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up while the other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"





1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.




Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides, first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".



CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When
I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That
Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I
be at work soon.........You got nice house'
Last edited by Christine Bennetts on Tue Mar 08, 2011 6:29 am, edited 28 times in total.
Christine in Southport,UK
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Re: ?????????????"The Naughty Corner"

Postby eganj1 » Sun Dec 05, 2010 10:00 am

I likw the idea of a naughty corner, all the other forums I read have a joke thread, having said that if they posted here it could cause some to faint ;roflmao: ;roflmao: ;roflmao:
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Re: ?????????????"The Naughty Corner"

Postby judyj » Sun Dec 05, 2010 1:27 pm

I LIKE your naughty corner! If its OK with Marci, its OK with me!!!

Judy Jaussaud
Judy Jaussaud in the Eastern Washington countryside - in between Naches, Gleed, Selah and Yakima. judyjaussaud@charter.net
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Re: ?????????????"The Naughty Corner"

Postby smb123 » Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:01 pm

YES by all means ..do have the "Naughty Corner" continue!!!
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Re: ?????????????"The Naughty Corner"

Postby Christine Bennetts » Thu Dec 09, 2010 11:13 am

Margaret Rowe asked me to post this in the Naughty Corner for her!


WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A
JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION 'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY. 'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA 'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ...'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.’ There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do....’

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me....’

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn!

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you’
Christine in Southport,UK
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Re: ?????????????"The Naughty Corner"

Postby Christine Bennetts » Thu Dec 09, 2010 11:20 am

This was sent by Margaret Rowe! ;roflmao:

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'


Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.
Christine in Southport,UK
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Re: ?????????????"The Naughty Corner"

Postby Christine Bennetts » Thu Dec 09, 2010 12:56 pm

Sent by Alice Wofford ;roflmao: .........you NAUGHTY Sam you!!!!!!!!!!!

CHRISTMAS DINNER ..........GONE WILD !!!!!!

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does
this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made
it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the
box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price
scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left
the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back
and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What
the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into
the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on
Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him
she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.
Christine in Southport,UK
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Re: ?????????????"The Naughty Corner"

Postby nurseart » Thu Dec 09, 2010 2:34 pm

Christine - I don't want you to think you Brits have the corner on humor but I have loved all your jokes. I have always appreciated British humor. I am sorry I do not have any stories to offer but I would like everyone to know I am a hearty laugher. Did my picture come thru OK?
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Re: ?????????????"The Naughty Corner"

Postby Barney » Thu Dec 09, 2010 6:12 pm

I say 10-4 on the naughty corner.
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Re: ?????????????"The Naughty Corner"

Postby Lisa » Thu Dec 09, 2010 8:03 pm

Yep. I'm all for it. I love the jokes
Lisa from Australai
Lisa from Melbourne Australia
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